If you don't like your body, this is for you!

I don’t “love” my body,

I never have, even at 53kg when I thought I’d made it..

And by that I mean achieved the pinnacle of my existence,

I still grieve the time I spent loathing my body, the opportunities I missed out on, the memories I didn’t make, the experiences I held myself back from.

I didn’t *hate* my body at 140kg weirdly, back then I was so young I didn’t really understand.

Looking back, I can see how I was shamed, dismissed and reduced by so many.

I was the “loud one” the “bigger one” I wouldn’t “be quiet” I was bold, outgoing.

But I was also the “fatty” the one nobody fancied, the one who was somewhat “safe” from being objectified.

I had a beautiful life, hobbies, friends.

Slowly it started to slip away.

I began to internalise the comments, the nicknames, the words.

I began to feel inferior, unworthy, unattractive, less than.

I fell into comparison, to isolation, which only fuelled my shame and consequent binge eating.

I saw media articles, TV shows, which now I see all fed into weight bias, misogyny, diet culture, the patriarchal system.

I was told I should hate myself, and that dieting was the answer.

But dieting wasn’t right for me.

I was starting from a place that would only trip me into further body dissatisfaction, further binge eating, yo-yo dieting.

I didn’t know that back then, I was doing the best I could from where I was at, and maybe you did the same too?

Starting a diet from binge eating?

Beginning a deficit before exploring your overeating?

Starting a new method in hope you’ll fix yourself?

Trying to slim down to find confidence, love, connection?

That was me.

And I ended up in a worse place than before, despite being now 53kg.

I hated my body even more

I had bigger binge episodes

I had more isolation, less connection.

Those memories I missed out on? Yeah they were all at my smallest, holidays, events..

Fear consumed me.

Fear of food.

Fear of being around food.

Fear of losing control.

Fear of judgement.

From the fat one to the fitness one

Trapped by my own manifested identities.

I wasn’t healthy, and fat loss didn’t do what they said.

It didn’t bring confidence, it didn’t make me feel any better about my body.

Now I was more decorated

Stretch marks, cellulite, excess skin

& of course that made ALL the headlines in the 2000’s only to induce further shame.

Along with being called out by exs, called revolting, and so much more..

Truth is, when you don’t feel worthy you’ll seek out relationships that confirm that, in my case it fell to a host of red flags with men.

I felt at war with my body, with food.

I’d tried dieting and even that didn’t fix me, was I a lost cause? Was I just unworthy of happiness?

No, I wasn’t..

I’d just not been exposed to what I REALLY needed.

I’d been sold a lie, fat loss solves everything, thinness = health, worth, attraction, etc.

I’d dieted from a place that fed a system that profited off my vulnerabilities, insecurities.

Staying in that place would have meant I kept looking for something to “fix me”

More weight loss

More restriction

More isolation

More binge eating

Only to take away from my life, my values.

Christ back then I didn’t even know what a value was? I valued my body & the male gaze? Oh how naive I was.

Fast forward and I love what my body is,

I know this comes from a place of privilege, but it wasn’t without hard work, and the deeper work.

I had to regain weight in order to get here.

Accepting, loving, caring, compassionate, kind, respectful.

My excess skin is more than ever

My c section hang sits in full display

My stretch marks run the entirety of my body

But I love her

I love what she offers the world,

I love my character, I am hilarious,

I have better connection, intimacy, regulation.

I have an aligned life,

I am grateful for my abilities,

I am becoming the person I want to be after diet culture took that from me.

Why am I telling you this?

Seasonal dieting is a thing, and it starts to rise now in spring and will peak in summer.

You’ll see messages about fat loss and confidence

Methods pushing the only way to fix your body, wrapped up in weight bias.

You’ll lose weight but then what?

How do you navigate the days you do have a low body image?

How do you navigate the buffet on holiday without fear?

How do you show up in your clothes without judgement, fixation, comparison?

These methods don’t support you with your body image, being able to navigate a thin obsessed world, taking up space without shame, without shame.

That’s the deep work that comes from working on your body image.

Where you stop the approval of others, the external validation, and instead feel confident from the inside out

Who you are outside of your body

Navigating food without fear, preoccupation

Showing up without hiding away.

Your body image isn’t your body

It’s how you think, act and feel about your body,

Fat loss doesn’t change beliefs, how society has shaped us, our views.

But working on your body image in pursuit of fat loss gives you the tools, mindset, behaviours, awareness to support yourself for life.

That’s how you stop hating yourself.

You start from a place of acceptance.

You stop the all or nothing.

End the guilt cycle.

And finally remove the mental space food & your body has occupied.

If you’ve made it this far, I salute you, this was a long one, sometimes it’s like therapy for me, reflecting and also seeing how far I’ve come, even this many years on.

I also made a podcast on what it feels like to live in a decorated body now, if you relate to this know you aren’t alone, but hopefully I can offer some insight into accepting yourself here.

And if you’re ready to do the deeper work, perhaps fat loss is your goal, but you want to do it in a way that stops the constant cycle, making this the last time you need to try something new, we have one space opening in April for our bespoke 1-1 coaching.

We get it, and know you’re never alone ❤️