I'm a big fat mess 😢

I genuinely thought I was broken. 

At 140kg there HAD to be something wrong with me,

Especially when medical professionals told me I “just needed to lose weight” at the minor age of 15.

Being fat shamed by strangers, “hey fatty” 

Nicknamed (or bullied) by friends, “Biffa” like the waste bin,

Never being selected by anyone, never being the “chosen one” 

The broken narrative was reinforced, 

It was the reason I was a big fat mess 

(Or so I convinced myself) 

I was too lazy to diet,

Didn’t have the motivation like others.

No willpower,

And actually at times I didn’t want to give up my binge eating, 

It was my one constant, never let me down, it was joyful.

But I longed to feel “normal” with food, 

To actually FEEL IN CONTROL,

Without food having a hold over me,

Without my critical mind, the judgement, shame.

I yo-yoed countless times.

WW would celebrate (or commiserate) my weight for that week,

And I’d binge after, before I was back to that excessive restriction, heightened rules and rigid diet.

It didn’t last long,

Actually confirming again I was broken.

But as I write this to you, some 13 years later, I’m in a body of sustained weight loss.

Because NOT all diets fail,

Nor is food the problem,

And you’re definitely not broken.

I’ve lifted the silence on how I lost the weight, how I became stronger, more resilient, how I achieved what I once thought was impossible.

How it’s helped me PP,

How I’ve formed acceptance of my stretch marks, excess skin, cellulite,

Why I’ve vowed never to diet again, but lost my “baby weight”

It wasn’t easy,

I wanted to quit regularly,

But quitting wasn’t courage,

Quitting was proving a limiting belief, based on body shame and diet culture right.

If you feel you’re broken, or you’re just curious, wanting to attain a freeing feeling in your body, around food, take a listen to this.

How I lost 85kg and kept it off 🎙️